Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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