it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
