I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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