Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
