someone get that fucking seahorse.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
