your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
