The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
