I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just found puke in my bra..
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Someone came in the potted fern
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
