we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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