Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
this just has baby written all over it
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It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
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Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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