I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
