24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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