It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
