You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I AM VODKA MAN
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
