I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
