We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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