I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
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And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
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I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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