I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
