Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
