Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
