cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I checked into jail on foursquare
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Dicks are not precious.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
