i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
