The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
