Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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