Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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