i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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