The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
