I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
