She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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