I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
