we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
