Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
