Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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