Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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