there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
