ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
