Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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