Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
