i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
