If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
