i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
