Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
