How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
