Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
