There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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