is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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