When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
