I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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