I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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