Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
