Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
