I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
