it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
